Unconditional

There are pits into which we willingly crawl. Though painful, dark and alone. They are familiar, comforting, welcome. Surely you know such a place.

Mine alomost feel like home. Stores of varing emotions to which I return. Some are very painful. Tormenting. Hell like. Yet I fall into them arms spread landing flat upon my back. Only to taste it, smell it, live it a little more.

How insane this all sounds. Yet. Upon emeriging to a bright blue sky and gentle breeze. Life is new again. Clean. Fresh. Full of anything. So I set sail and beging to live. Until my anchor drops again.

(The attached image is the sky above me now. How open and glorious it is. The other is my 1st mate Zilliah, no fine a companion was ever made.)

I Used To Dream, Falsely

  
As a boy I was very alone. Depressed. Neglected. I would pray for the person who would one day love me. This began at age ten. I always sought affection. At thirteen years of age I learned girls loved love letters. So I wrote them. Often, and became very good at it. At this age the act of writing the letter and it being willing received was emotional satisfaction.

  As I matured a response was desired. A return of investment. One small affermation which indicated my feelings we not singular. Often the act of writing proceeded the actual emotion for. It was a hunt. A search for the one thing I desired most. Someone who cared, about, me. An end to my solitude. 

  At sixteen I began a relationship with someone who I did not know. I originally approached her because I wanted my friends to stop talking about who was going to date her, being she was the new girl in school. Our relationship began. No letters this time. I am not sure why other then we talked. Openly, freely, for hours. 

  She was light. I hate I used that description yet it is the most accurate. She smiled and the world was better. She was gloriously energetic, outspoken, nothing less than amazing. So I loved her. Not paper love. Not words twisted to page love. My soul leaps when she is near love. So much so I dared not acknowledge it. Until, one day, as I turned to walk away from her. She grabbed my elbow, tilted her head and said “I love you”. It was not a sily teenage babble. She said “I love you”. As in, you understand this is more. “I love you.” She did. We loved deeply. Until something happened. The love did not stop, just the relationship.

  Years past and I never entered another relationship. Then my wife came along. We met. A few days later she asked me out on a dare. I showed up and she had forgotten. We continued to date. A few months into our relationship my father died. The one person I felt cared about me. A year later I was married. In reflection for me it was out of fear. My wife just saw a boy graduating from Army Officer Candidates School. Basically, not a farmer. It took two years until she first tried to walk out. My fear of being alone made me stop her. I never felt love after that point. Things were basically, not being alone.

  A few years ago I made contact with my first love. She has a loving husband. Beautiful kids and a good life. All things I was happy to know. However, for years I had held on to her as the only person who ever loved me. Unreasonably I felt lied to. She does not love me now so how could she have then. I worked through this to the understanding what we had then was real. At that point she did love me. I had been truly loved.

Sadly, I find myself alone once again. For years my wife rejected me but I hung in for fear of being alone and for my two incredible daughters. My daughters recently moved in with my wife for the summer preceeding me moving back in. They returned to my house to help my prepare my house for the market. While here they disclosed they felt emotionally abused as well. Both (older teens) asked me to keep my house so they could live with me. Sadly when their mother arrived for the weekend things went very poorly. I have not had contact with my wife since. Nor do I expect to. 

 In the end the most important thing is have I been loved. Yes. I know the joy of being loved. My ropes are pulled and sails are set. Traveler is exploring the seas of life again. Maybe I will be loved again maybe not. Regardless, the first time was real and its memory safety treasured away.

  

No Flowing Words

  

Today my words will not flow. I am slinging my tattered soul onto page hoping someone can put my puzzle together. I am filled with everything yet feel nothing. I want to sleep but not dream. To die and be risen. To exist but fade away.

  I reaced out for love and found a vipers strike in its place. Venum coursing through my. My flesh rots from inside out. Slowly falling from bone as my heart yet beats. A sorrow, worn and battered heart. If my hand could release it so would be done. May my ears fail, my eyes dim and be gone from me.

  Before last breath passes my lips may one arrive. In love and compassion take my hand. With tear in eye press sweet lips against mine. Whispering “pass in love dear one”.

Love Should Be

I go to where love should be

Only to find its place empty

I go to where love should be

Yet it does not find me

I go to where love should be

A hollowness there I do see

I go to where love should be

No arms are there to greet me

I go to where love should be

Sorrow stands and laughs at me

I go to where love should be

Misery waits to engulf me

I go to where love should be

There I stand alone

Alone At Sea

I drift alone on open seas. 

Sails searching for no particular wind. 

By day I drop my sails and rest.

Night falls and the stars become my lovers.

I know them all as the shine down upon me.

The breeze sings to me through billowing sails.

Waves rock me side to side in the mermaids waltz.

Here I am alone in the world.

Lonely as it may be.

Tis far better to be lonely at sea.

Then on land with people surrounding me.

Tonight I Want To Feel


Tonight I want to feel the deliciousness of my sorrow. Deep breaths pull it into my lungs. Slowly it seeps through my tissues until I am saturated. The weight of it. Density of it, is massive. It crushes me yet soothes as well.

I want to feel it. Embrace it. Allow it to engulf me completely. Giving in to its rips and gashes upon my soul. Exhaling as it feeds upon me. The pain is sumptuous. 

How willing I subside to it. Erasing self until all that remains is the emptiness I truly am. May it erase all memory of love which once lived. For it is now so far distant its light no longer penetrates my darkness. 

Tonight I surrender. Tomorrow I begin again.