Love Should Be

I go to where love should be

Only to find its place empty

I go to where love should be

Yet it does not find me

I go to where love should be

A hollowness there I do see

I go to where love should be

No arms are there to greet me

I go to where love should be

Sorrow stands and laughs at me

I go to where love should be

Misery waits to engulf me

I go to where love should be

There I stand alone

Alone At Sea

I drift alone on open seas. 

Sails searching for no particular wind. 

By day I drop my sails and rest.

Night falls and the stars become my lovers.

I know them all as the shine down upon me.

The breeze sings to me through billowing sails.

Waves rock me side to side in the mermaids waltz.

Here I am alone in the world.

Lonely as it may be.

Tis far better to be lonely at sea.

Then on land with people surrounding me.

The Me I Am Today

  This is the face of The Traveler. To say it is who I am may be misleading. Defining myself in a singular would be rather difficult. “Me” changes regularly. Each experience, new friend, sunrise and sunset makes me slightly different. Fortunately all the me’s remain readily accessible. Therefore reaching back to find a particular emotion or memory from which to choose and transfer to written word can be done without having to actually be in that current state. However there are times I choose to live in painfully memories for awhile. Maybe this is a form of selfharm minus a cut or burn? Regardless when done and the pain had past the absence of it is blissful. Currently I dwell in the memory of her because it is the most glorious memory. When she was near life floated in an unreal fantasy of amazement. She was everthing then she was gone. Yes later she was in my life again. We had day long conversations. Laughed then cried and asked why. Then she was gone again. There are times when I steal momentary glances into her life. Normally to remind myself how much better her life is now than it would have been with me. Quietly I walk away. Ours paths will cross again one day. Maybe then we can have day long conversations which continue the next day. This being shared because it is who I am. Tomorrow I will continue traveling. Reaching back to find something else. I hope you will come along and in some way I hope as my pain heals yours will too.

Hollow Eyes

It is with hollow eyes I stare into the world now. Once everywhere I looked my eyes sought love. An eye that did not look away from my glance. Is that a smile forming upon the corner of her mouth? Gently she moved her hair behind her ear. Eye contact again. I think that is a good thing? My eyes once saw all these things. Yet my shattered heart has made them hollow. Now I see nothing. Blank faces in a blank world while I live a blank existance. How I wish someone would restore my sight.

This Is Not Poetic

  
   No. Not tonight. Just arriving home from a long weekend in Savannah. I am exhausted. My body hurts every where. My brain hurts. My skin hurts. Finishing a deal on a house and bought my oldest a car for her second year at SCAD. Back up a bit to the house. Some of you who have followed me, hold on! I am moving back in with my wife. Yes. Yes, I know. Scary. I am additionally putting my house on the market. Had considered holding on to it, but no. Going to give this one last try. 

  That said. A buddy from childhood house sat for me and my zoo of pets while I was gone. He had pulled out our high school senior yearbook. It was laying on my bed. I opened it up and immediately there she was. (She not being my wife. She being my first love. Who I never really let go of.) Worse, there the both of us were in a picture together. It was a club picture. Everyone was being normal and we were jumping in the air. All smiles. It all came flooding back. I remember it clearly although it had been locked away for 30 years. I, we, were so happy. Giddy happy.

  I am beginning to hope the parallel universe theory is correct. Hopefully. Somewhere or when. We never stopped being us. We continued on jumping and laughing. We got older and married. Had kids. Dogs, cats, bunnies, pigs, horses. Right now we are in bed. Looking at the yearbook together. Laughing. Wondering who else is still as happy as us. 

  That is not my universe. Here. Now. I have not talk to her in over a year. After not having talked to her in over twenty before we connected on yes Facebook. When we did talk it was just as easy. Just as natural.  Just as wonderful as ever. However, she has a wonderful husband. Four amazing kids. While my life is a train wreck. So. I said goodbye and unfriended her.

  I still wish she was part of my life. She has an amazing way of just setting me at ease. However, I have become comfortable with what we had being the past. What ever it was. I did not make it. What I have now and have had for twenty six years is far from perfect. It is barely a relationship. Yet it is what I have. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe, maybe I have been holding on to first love way way way to long. Not maybe. Definitely. 

  So here I go. Giving my marriage one more run. No outside interference. Lets see what happens.

Diary

  
  My psychiatrist ssuggested I start keeping a diary to give my emotions a positive outlet. Searching online I found a rustic looking leather one which passed the man test well enough. To write with I purchased a vintage fountain pen. Yes, I was going to do the whole diary thing stylishly. My intentions were, well, intentions.

  Day One. My entry gave a brief history of why I was writing. Delving into my past. Some into my present. Various outlines of potential futures. When done I signed the page, tied the diary shut and laid it on my night stand. Thirty minutes later I walked into my bathroom. Retrieved a straight razon and removed page one. It found it’s way to the bottom of the trash with old coffee grounds covering it. Clean slate. Sharing is still an issue.

  Day One, the second. Not as detailed. Very generic. More of a “this is what I did today”. Straight Razor. Trash. No evidence.

  Day One, the third. Straight Razor. Trash.

Day One, the fourth. Here I am. For thoses of you few who are my friends in cyber safeness. So I will return to this my safe zone. I will rip my soul bare. Share my pains and joy. Throw out a few hugs along the way. 

Thanks for walking with me.