I Used To Dream, Falsely

  
As a boy I was very alone. Depressed. Neglected. I would pray for the person who would one day love me. This began at age ten. I always sought affection. At thirteen years of age I learned girls loved love letters. So I wrote them. Often, and became very good at it. At this age the act of writing the letter and it being willing received was emotional satisfaction.

  As I matured a response was desired. A return of investment. One small affermation which indicated my feelings we not singular. Often the act of writing proceeded the actual emotion for. It was a hunt. A search for the one thing I desired most. Someone who cared, about, me. An end to my solitude. 

  At sixteen I began a relationship with someone who I did not know. I originally approached her because I wanted my friends to stop talking about who was going to date her, being she was the new girl in school. Our relationship began. No letters this time. I am not sure why other then we talked. Openly, freely, for hours. 

  She was light. I hate I used that description yet it is the most accurate. She smiled and the world was better. She was gloriously energetic, outspoken, nothing less than amazing. So I loved her. Not paper love. Not words twisted to page love. My soul leaps when she is near love. So much so I dared not acknowledge it. Until, one day, as I turned to walk away from her. She grabbed my elbow, tilted her head and said “I love you”. It was not a sily teenage babble. She said “I love you”. As in, you understand this is more. “I love you.” She did. We loved deeply. Until something happened. The love did not stop, just the relationship.

  Years past and I never entered another relationship. Then my wife came along. We met. A few days later she asked me out on a dare. I showed up and she had forgotten. We continued to date. A few months into our relationship my father died. The one person I felt cared about me. A year later I was married. In reflection for me it was out of fear. My wife just saw a boy graduating from Army Officer Candidates School. Basically, not a farmer. It took two years until she first tried to walk out. My fear of being alone made me stop her. I never felt love after that point. Things were basically, not being alone.

  A few years ago I made contact with my first love. She has a loving husband. Beautiful kids and a good life. All things I was happy to know. However, for years I had held on to her as the only person who ever loved me. Unreasonably I felt lied to. She does not love me now so how could she have then. I worked through this to the understanding what we had then was real. At that point she did love me. I had been truly loved.

Sadly, I find myself alone once again. For years my wife rejected me but I hung in for fear of being alone and for my two incredible daughters. My daughters recently moved in with my wife for the summer preceeding me moving back in. They returned to my house to help my prepare my house for the market. While here they disclosed they felt emotionally abused as well. Both (older teens) asked me to keep my house so they could live with me. Sadly when their mother arrived for the weekend things went very poorly. I have not had contact with my wife since. Nor do I expect to. 

 In the end the most important thing is have I been loved. Yes. I know the joy of being loved. My ropes are pulled and sails are set. Traveler is exploring the seas of life again. Maybe I will be loved again maybe not. Regardless, the first time was real and its memory safety treasured away.

  

Advertisements

And That Happened

Thankfully the knives are packed. My wife arrived at my house this evening to help pack the last few things. We have not lived together in years. However were planning to move in together in the next few weeks to see how things work out. My daughters have been with me and we have all had hesitation about coming back together. 

 Regretfully things were said tonight. Loudly. Venting of fears and anger. Roller coaster of emotion. Currently the girls are on one blow up matress, wife is on another and I am on the couch. I managed to keep my wife from walking out tonight and giving up. 

 I don’t know. Maybe we should just give up. Maybe it is time. Twenty seven years of a bad marriage is a lifetime. However, I do love her and wished she would love me. My daughters are my world. I want to have my family. 

  Tonight, I sail into the storm. Willingly. Hoping when the Sun breaks through we will be whole. This is the last time this ship will sail. I hope it floats.

Down Hearted,

Traveler

I Never Think Of You

I would said I never think of you

Yet as I speak those words

I am

You are still everywhere

Because you are still in me

The air I breathe blonged to us

The sky I see was ours

The place I drove by was where we met

Over there we had our first date

Your mom and dad were home when I passed there place

I saw your brother at lunch

This is the short cut we would take

I kept that shirt for twenty years

We used to talk for hours

Then say nothing for several more

That picture I kept still calms me down

You said I love you first

I was over joyed

I would say I never think of you

When the opposite is true

Love Should Be

I go to where love should be

Only to find its place empty

I go to where love should be

Yet it does not find me

I go to where love should be

A hollowness there I do see

I go to where love should be

No arms are there to greet me

I go to where love should be

Sorrow stands and laughs at me

I go to where love should be

Misery waits to engulf me

I go to where love should be

There I stand alone

Emptiness

 


 An empty hand reaches into hollow air. There it lingers. Memories of what once was thoughtless. Soft finger tips tracing mine. Wrist twisting together like snakes in a love dance. The world calmed when our hands met.

  Empty eyes search through the nothingness beside me. Once there gleamed eyes which spoke to my soul. I love you poured from them better then any mouth could speak. In them I saw eternity. Children. Grandchildren. Until the day I saw tears. Then they were gone.

  My lips speak to the vastness. I love you still flows from them. Landing upon empty ears of a long gone memory. When then your lips spoke love to me in return. Oh to feel them brush against mine.

  All is empty now. Hands withered. Eyes diming. Lips silent. All is empty. Except my heart. No. My heart is still full. The same love pounding through me. Forcing you into my dreams where all becomes real again. 

  My hand reaches into the emptiness where yours is waiting for it.