And That Happened

Thankfully the knives are packed. My wife arrived at my house this evening to help pack the last few things. We have not lived together in years. However were planning to move in together in the next few weeks to see how things work out. My daughters have been with me and we have all had hesitation about coming back together. 

 Regretfully things were said tonight. Loudly. Venting of fears and anger. Roller coaster of emotion. Currently the girls are on one blow up matress, wife is on another and I am on the couch. I managed to keep my wife from walking out tonight and giving up. 

 I don’t know. Maybe we should just give up. Maybe it is time. Twenty seven years of a bad marriage is a lifetime. However, I do love her and wished she would love me. My daughters are my world. I want to have my family. 

  Tonight, I sail into the storm. Willingly. Hoping when the Sun breaks through we will be whole. This is the last time this ship will sail. I hope it floats.

Down Hearted,

Traveler

No Flowing Words

  

Today my words will not flow. I am slinging my tattered soul onto page hoping someone can put my puzzle together. I am filled with everything yet feel nothing. I want to sleep but not dream. To die and be risen. To exist but fade away.

  I reaced out for love and found a vipers strike in its place. Venum coursing through my. My flesh rots from inside out. Slowly falling from bone as my heart yet beats. A sorrow, worn and battered heart. If my hand could release it so would be done. May my ears fail, my eyes dim and be gone from me.

  Before last breath passes my lips may one arrive. In love and compassion take my hand. With tear in eye press sweet lips against mine. Whispering “pass in love dear one”.

Love Should Be

I go to where love should be

Only to find its place empty

I go to where love should be

Yet it does not find me

I go to where love should be

A hollowness there I do see

I go to where love should be

No arms are there to greet me

I go to where love should be

Sorrow stands and laughs at me

I go to where love should be

Misery waits to engulf me

I go to where love should be

There I stand alone

Alone At Sea

I drift alone on open seas. 

Sails searching for no particular wind. 

By day I drop my sails and rest.

Night falls and the stars become my lovers.

I know them all as the shine down upon me.

The breeze sings to me through billowing sails.

Waves rock me side to side in the mermaids waltz.

Here I am alone in the world.

Lonely as it may be.

Tis far better to be lonely at sea.

Then on land with people surrounding me.

The Me I Am Today

  This is the face of The Traveler. To say it is who I am may be misleading. Defining myself in a singular would be rather difficult. “Me” changes regularly. Each experience, new friend, sunrise and sunset makes me slightly different. Fortunately all the me’s remain readily accessible. Therefore reaching back to find a particular emotion or memory from which to choose and transfer to written word can be done without having to actually be in that current state. However there are times I choose to live in painfully memories for awhile. Maybe this is a form of selfharm minus a cut or burn? Regardless when done and the pain had past the absence of it is blissful. Currently I dwell in the memory of her because it is the most glorious memory. When she was near life floated in an unreal fantasy of amazement. She was everthing then she was gone. Yes later she was in my life again. We had day long conversations. Laughed then cried and asked why. Then she was gone again. There are times when I steal momentary glances into her life. Normally to remind myself how much better her life is now than it would have been with me. Quietly I walk away. Ours paths will cross again one day. Maybe then we can have day long conversations which continue the next day. This being shared because it is who I am. Tomorrow I will continue traveling. Reaching back to find something else. I hope you will come along and in some way I hope as my pain heals yours will too.

Hollow Eyes

It is with hollow eyes I stare into the world now. Once everywhere I looked my eyes sought love. An eye that did not look away from my glance. Is that a smile forming upon the corner of her mouth? Gently she moved her hair behind her ear. Eye contact again. I think that is a good thing? My eyes once saw all these things. Yet my shattered heart has made them hollow. Now I see nothing. Blank faces in a blank world while I live a blank existance. How I wish someone would restore my sight.