Where is Love


Where does love reside

What is its form

Does it course through our veins hidden in the blood so it can reach all our flesh

Is it an emotion hiding within a lobe of our brain

Maybe it is part of our soul. That unseen miracle which makes us feel

Tell me where loves resides

It is lost for me

Not for lack of desire to experience it

No I would love nothing more than to be consumed by it

Every breath feeding it existence

Oh if I could find it and make it mine

Love would be my favorite emotion

Casting all others away

Where is that treasure that hides within me

I wish to hold its hand

Advertisements

Sex Dialed Up To Order

I think I would enjoy being able to post how well my baby girl was doing. How she met me after work in thigh highs, flashy red toes and eager nipples saluting me in. How I would twist her long hair as I pulled her to my face then to her knees. Daddy says you have business down there. Just as get gets me ready lift her up with one arm forcing her front side against the wall. Toes barely touching the ground as I pound her and give her just enough air to stay with me. If she’s good I’ll break out the toys and give her enough to make her submit completely. Let’s bang away the pain and fuck like lovers do. Then fall asleep naked on messy sheets only wanting to do it more.

Willful Delusion 

How wonderful my medications are

Banishing me to that realm of empty emotion

Emotions there are painted over with primer and twelve coats of oil gloss

The boring white grey color of a hospital room

While deep in me is a longing to hurt again

A desire to cut open my flesh to see where the pain has gone

How comforting my yearnings were

Where is she now, there one who visited every other thought

Gone, counseling has cleaned her stain from me

Yet I want her/it back

Bring me the vision of her brown eyes staring up at me

A soft moan and arch of willingness

My delusion was perfectly formed

Combinations of memory, fantasy and desire

Distantly she is still there

A far away turn of a light house light

Barely visibly while still enough to call her in to me

Her mouth open and eyes closed

Perfectly yielding

As life time ago was our youth

I often wonder if it was real 

Through it all she still lingers in my inhale and my exhale

Brought back willingly now unlike the mania of the past

Slowly she surfaces for me

My hand caressing her face inches from mine

She was mine, fully, completely 

Until youthful hurt, pain, confusion and pride took it all away

She never saw her ring

Now she wears another

While another bares one from me

It is guilt as much as anything now

And love, a love which will never be fulfilled or let go

Being there is nothing remaining

Let me feel the full pain of it once more 

Cry thirty year old tears

And have her for one more day

Maybe she still comes her, reads and walks away

I hope she does to prove through time I  still matter

Resolution

Here is the truth of it

I go into my solitary modes

Withdraw form everyone

Drop off the social media radar

Just to emotionally clean house

Then rebuild with what is left 

That matters 

Then I come here

Because here 

Is where exist 

A very few like souls

Who know me inside and out

My Psychiatrist tells me these relationships are not “real” enough for long term sanity

To that I respond

I have never been stable long term

So you

My few

My ears, hearts, hugs and how are yous

I love you as completely as if you were sitting across the table staring at me around my screen

Life is good with you in it

Now

Let’s have a sparkling, spanking, cutting, crying, drinking, med popping……. fantabulous 2018

Love (sincerely)

Traveler 

Where Have You Been!

My dear ones! Forgive the length of my absence. You have all been floating through my thoughts daily.

To start, I have flip flop tan lines. The Atlantic is my friend. Sitting alone on the beach is its own kind of medicine.  

While breathing in salty air a few things have rested upon my sole. 

1. I  do not have to be loved to have value. Loving gives me all the worth I need. So I love the beach, salty air, my English Bulldog and my daughters. 

2. I Uber because I love people. I tour guide because I love people and I teach part time because I love people. These things make me happy.

3. I write because it releases my soul. Get ready. I am about to do a lot more of it.

4. I speak of needing an anchor. Truth is, I  had to many. Anchors from the past which were keeping me from sailing. They have been cut free. Emotional ropes drifting off in the waves. 

5. I am ok. Right now. Today. I am standing back up and I am good.

For the past three years I have refused medical care. Call it self harm. Punishment. A desire for it to be done. This week I started back. I found a great GP to organize it all. Plus I have a new psych referral. Time to start living again. I had given up. 

My oldest daughter was talking to me the other day. She told me she needed me to live. To live as long as I can because I am the one who brings balance to her life. Maybe I  just needed to hear someone say please wake up tomorrow. I need you here.

So I  am back. Ready to sling ink in a positive direction.