Maybe it is my meds. Or maybe it is just where I am right now. I do not know nor do I think it matters much. Irrelevant to the who, what’s or why’s. Today, I am good.
I am siting in “my house”. Yes, my wife and I still refer to the two homes between us as “hers” and “mine”. Rightly so I guess. She never lived in mine for the two years we were apart and her name is not on the mortage. Nor is my name on hers. However I do “live” in hers now. It is all rather daggerish I guess. Mine, yours….seperation.
So I am at mine. Managing the updates being done to it before I put it back on the market. I am beginning to hate HGTV. Everyone expects homes on the market to be perfect showpieces they can just walk into and be happy. What happened to “sweat equity”? What happened to making a house your home? What happened to fixer uppers? Not in today’s market. Thus all new paint, fixtures, floors and so on.
Back to the I am good today stuff. I am good because regardless of what happens between my wife and I, my family is back under one roof. My daughter’s feel stable. That means the most. My daughter’s are good. I can live with being friends with me wife, even if we may not be that far along yet. I can not live with my daughter’s not being good. I am glad they are not having to “take sides”. I even more glad that soon there will no longer be a hers and mine when it comes to homes. Maybe just a hers which I help pay for. Even in that there is more stability then I have known for years.
Things are changing. I am figuring put who I am. How I fit into my life. I am not sure of everything and to be honest most of the time I scared I screwing up. Yet today. Sitting here in my big leather chair staring into an empty room, I do not feel alone. I am at peace. I know soon I will be back to being a we. That is nice.
I drove away from the ocean today. Left the sand and salty air. Went inland to farm country. I was greeted by the smell of upturn peanuts ready to dry. Cotton fields in full bloom. Warm sun and dusty roads. Hay bails rolled and round or stacked and squared. Dairy cows, beef cows, goats and horses. Each mile bringing back a memory. What a beautiful thing memories are.
When my heart was full I turned around. Headed east. Content with leaving the past where it needs to be. Fields turned to marsh. The breeze became stronger. Birds filled the air. The Sun seemed brighter, happier. Dunes became beach and beach became the Atlantic. Kicking off my flip flops I let the wet sand seep through my toes. I sat and watched the waves taking in their vastness.
This is my present. A content one. A peaceful one. It is not my ending. However, I think there is no more perfect place to drop anchor and stay awhile.
In my recent soul searching and self redefining I discovered a truth about my pain. Forgive me for only having shared emotional pain with you in the past. Currently I am on the couch tempted to write about ripping souls and gnashing teeth. However, what is really going on is immense physical pain.
Life has left me a physical wreck. My spine is broken in more places than I can remember. Metal in spots. Just missing in others. There are thirty two electrical connectors sewn to my spine. All powered and controlled by a computer/power pack in my back. All that to block pain and help me stay out of a wheelchair. Broken hips, knees, and few gun shot wounds just for giggles. Sounds bad but all manageable.
Problem is….transference. (Nora….chime in and explain) For years I have been transferring physical pain into emotional pain. Taking all that is broken physically and attempting to make it something worse. Reality is my body will never heal more than it has. However, here is the kicker, I am not broken. Every emotion in my soul is fully functional and ready to be used. I am capable of extraordinary love, friendship and compassion. The me that matters is whole.