I drove away from the ocean today. Left the sand and salty air. Went inland to farm country. I was greeted by the smell of upturn peanuts ready to dry. Cotton fields in full bloom. Warm sun and dusty roads. Hay bails rolled and round or stacked and squared. Dairy cows, beef cows, goats and horses. Each mile bringing back a memory. What a beautiful thing memories are.
When my heart was full I turned around. Headed east. Content with leaving the past where it needs to be. Fields turned to marsh. The breeze became stronger. Birds filled the air. The Sun seemed brighter, happier. Dunes became beach and beach became the Atlantic. Kicking off my flip flops I let the wet sand seep through my toes. I sat and watched the waves taking in their vastness.
This is my present. A content one. A peaceful one. It is not my ending. However, I think there is no more perfect place to drop anchor and stay awhile.
In my recent soul searching and self redefining I discovered a truth about my pain. Forgive me for only having shared emotional pain with you in the past. Currently I am on the couch tempted to write about ripping souls and gnashing teeth. However, what is really going on is immense physical pain.
Life has left me a physical wreck. My spine is broken in more places than I can remember. Metal in spots. Just missing in others. There are thirty two electrical connectors sewn to my spine. All powered and controlled by a computer/power pack in my back. All that to block pain and help me stay out of a wheelchair. Broken hips, knees, and few gun shot wounds just for giggles. Sounds bad but all manageable.
Problem is….transference. (Nora….chime in and explain) For years I have been transferring physical pain into emotional pain. Taking all that is broken physically and attempting to make it something worse. Reality is my body will never heal more than it has. However, here is the kicker, I am not broken. Every emotion in my soul is fully functional and ready to be used. I am capable of extraordinary love, friendship and compassion. The me that matters is whole.