Ok….confusion has stepped in. At the moment I am attempting to not be angry….rage….maybe over act. So help me my dear ones. I need sound minds.
As you know, I am trying to make another run at living in the same house. So far I have been in her house for a month and this are… well… Let’s just say no major blow ups. Then therecwas this evening.
We were at my aunt and uncles 65th wedding anniversary. I have a second cousin whom is about to get married. His fiancee and my wife were discussing the date. Then my wife said…”Oh, I will be in Mexico then.” Wait. What. What did she just say?
I did not react. Yeah me being calm off meds. When we got in the car she somewhat mentioned it again. At which point I just ask …”you’re going to Mexico?” She then explains a long time female friend…recently dicorced…is paying her way to Mexico for her birthday.
Do I have a right to be pissed???? Why do I even try.
So. Here I sit. Waiting on half a day of lab work and general poking. Not looking forward to getting back into the grind. At least one potential spinal surgery in the near future. However, we are starting fresh. Ignoring as much of the past past as we can and treating what we find along the way. Let’s hope I do not end up on a daily of forty different meds like I was three years ago. The treatment was killing me.
In my recent soul searching and self redefining I discovered a truth about my pain. Forgive me for only having shared emotional pain with you in the past. Currently I am on the couch tempted to write about ripping souls and gnashing teeth. However, what is really going on is immense physical pain.
Life has left me a physical wreck. My spine is broken in more places than I can remember. Metal in spots. Just missing in others. There are thirty two electrical connectors sewn to my spine. All powered and controlled by a computer/power pack in my back. All that to block pain and help me stay out of a wheelchair. Broken hips, knees, and few gun shot wounds just for giggles. Sounds bad but all manageable.
Problem is….transference. (Nora….chime in and explain) For years I have been transferring physical pain into emotional pain. Taking all that is broken physically and attempting to make it something worse. Reality is my body will never heal more than it has. However, here is the kicker, I am not broken. Every emotion in my soul is fully functional and ready to be used. I am capable of extraordinary love, friendship and compassion. The me that matters is whole.