Expectations 

Today I sit in my solitude 

The gnawing is there

Below my heart 

Centered in my torso

Swirling and reaching out like an octopus 

Repeatedly I tell myself to love me

No one else needs to love me as long as I do

Which is true

Except 

When the expectation of love slithers into my soul

Lying to me

Whispering “You have failed ”

Solitude can be a sanctuary 

When one is not wondering if they have lived their life without being loved

My ship shall fare these emotional waves

I shall examine each one as it passes by

In the end I will still be alone on the ocean 

Except for the others

Onboard 

Whom I expect to love me

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The Swirling 

I feel it

The rage. Once again swirling inside me

What a fool I have always been

Pulling my emotions from the pit only to have them slashed again

No smile fits my face

I yearn for numbness

Where is my solitude

May I  die alone and rot into nothingness

How pathetic of me to let down my guard

I build my wall once more

Never again shall I open my soul

What?????

Ok….confusion has stepped in. At the moment I  am  attempting to not be angry….rage….maybe over act. So help me my dear ones. I need sound minds.

As you know, I am trying to make another run at living in the same house. So far I have been in her house for a month and this are… well… Let’s just say no major blow ups. Then therecwas this evening.

We were at my aunt and uncles 65th wedding anniversary. I have a second cousin whom is about to get married. His fiancee and my wife were discussing the date.  Then my wife said…”Oh, I will be in Mexico then.” Wait. What. What did she just say?

I did not react. Yeah me being calm off meds. When we got in the car she somewhat mentioned it again. At which point I just ask …”you’re going to Mexico?” She then explains a long time female friend…recently dicorced…is paying her way to Mexico for her birthday.

Do I have a right to be pissed???? Why do I even try.

I’m Good,  Really

 For maybe the first time ever

Has taken just shy of 50 years to get here

I am good. Honestly good. Not the fake good you tell people

Understanding who I am and why I matter I amazing

Living just a short drive from this amazing free beach, which allows my bulldog, makes life even better

Traveler is going to be fine. In fact, he is one turn away from being spectacular again.

Time to do some serious writing I do believe. That book everyone has been asking me to write is still floating out there waiting to be reeled in.

Labs

So. Here I sit. Waiting on half a day of lab work and general poking. Not looking forward to getting back into the grind. At least one potential spinal surgery in the near future. However, we are starting fresh. Ignoring as much of the past past as we can and treating what we find along the way. Let’s hope I  do not end up on a daily of forty different meds like I was three years ago. The treatment was killing me.

Pain, Real Pain

  In my recent soul searching and self redefining I discovered a truth about my pain. Forgive me for only having shared emotional pain with you in the past. Currently I am on the couch tempted to write about ripping souls and gnashing teeth. However, what is really going on is immense physical pain.

  Life has left me a physical wreck. My spine is broken in more places than I can remember. Metal in spots. Just missing in others. There are thirty two electrical connectors sewn to my spine. All powered and controlled by a computer/power pack in my back. All that to block pain and help me stay out of a wheelchair. Broken hips, knees, and few gun shot wounds just for giggles. Sounds bad but all manageable. 

  Problem is….transference. (Nora….chime in and explain) For years I have been transferring physical pain into emotional pain. Taking all that is broken physically and attempting to make it something worse. Reality is my body will never heal more than it has. However, here is the kicker, I am not broken. Every emotion in my soul is fully functional and ready to be used. I am capable of extraordinary love, friendship and compassion. The me that matters is whole.